Slump

Lately there's been a dark cloud over me. Now, as someone who has already been diagnosed with depression, this feels way too different. Back when I was diagnosed, I felt very much sound of mind and in control, or at least, in control of my thoughts (not my surroundings).

I knew what depression was back then, and no doubt I was depressed. I was in a pretty downwards spiral by the time anybody took the opportunity to convince me to try to get better.

But it happened, and soon after, I felt like a million bucks. Well, not a million. But like. At least a twenty dollar bill. That was pretty damn good. I don't know anybody who wouldn't be glad to have a twenty dollar bill in their hands right now. Twenty dollars can get a ticket to the movies, or some time at an arcade, or a ton of books off of Amazon. Twenty dollars means you are rich for a limited time, but damn if that economic boost doesn't make you feel like a million bucks.

I digress.

Lately, I've been feeling the same things that, by textbook definition, mean that I am, yet again, depressed. Now, this comes as no news to me. I knew from the start of it all that I never quite recovered, so much as just had a lucky streak for a while. Like living in a damp tropical island plagued by insects and hot weather, there's no such thing as "not-mosquito-season". They just dwindle in numbers for specific months, but you can bet they'll be back in full swing yet.

Unlike not-mosquito-season, however, depression can't be dealt with by just up-and-leaving the area. Technically that is a possibility, but one that could spring up various problems, and for someone who also suffers with anxiety, these problems can escalate terribly and feed into that monster that loves eating up your insecurities.

Now as far as I'm concerned, everybody has that little monster. Some monsters look different. Mine looks a little like this:

Don't let yourself be fooled by the really real picture above. This creature began as a teeny tiny baby. Hardly the size of a toddler, and with just about as much energy as one.

But much like children, the raspy voice of this little creature shunned from purgatory itself is enough to get into your head and rattle around, looking for the things that will satiate its never-ending hunger. To my dismay, my mind looks like an all-you-can-eat buffet to this little gremlin.

Usually I'm able to keep this monster at bay, but recently, not so much. It's about 12 feet tall right now but I'm rather sure it's all in my head, for now.

-E

A.N. This will be continued, perhaps.