There's already a stigma against bloggers in general, or anyone that writes anything on the internet. Being raised to believe that the internet was incredibly awful and having it treated as if it was the worst thing for me to have access to (besides possible bad influences of a group of misfits in high school), I of course as a rebel child was unnaturally drawn by it.
Thanks to this, however, I was able to expand my knowledge incredibly and develop social skills that I otherwise would have no clue about. Which, ironically, were things I would be berated for not knowing in the first place.
However, after writing and presenting that amusing post a couple of days back to the masses (read as: about forty people that actually pay attention to what I write or draw), I was surprisingly bombarded by compliments from various sources stating I had some sort of untapped skill in writing. Immensely flattered, I gave in to the treacherous temptation of actually being proud of something I did, and let my ego have its fun for a while.
Which didn't last very long.
It isn't so much as I don't get support, but rather that I don't know how to handle the support. I'm so used to having to do things on my own, for myself, that whenever the opportunity arises where people like something about me or what I do, I can't help but just immediately look for any and every flaw in it.
Of course, people tend to misinterpret this as me running myself to the ground with work, and though it might be true in some aspect, it just happens to be based more around the fact that the only thoughts surrounding me my entire life have been that no matter how hard I try or what I achieve, it will never be good enough and I will never and should never be happy with myself.
It's a bit sad when you think about how unknowingly these ideals have been supported and thrown at me in feeble attempts to show support.
Even when I was young, I was taught how I had to measure up to nearly impossible standards if I wanted to get the smallest compliment or acknowledgement.
I suppose it was partially my own fault. I always felt I was the "black cloud" that brought bad luck to everyone and was constantly messing things up, so I always figured I brought the pressure on myself, and always tried to do my best in an attempt to prove that I wasn't a wasted human life. Due to my parent's ignorance on the effects of this self-inflicted pressure on me, they didn't really bother showing proper support or praise.
Now that I do have support and praise from people, however, it can get very hard to manage and accept it. I just default into thinking that I did something terribly wrong, and fall into a spiral of self-hatred the likes of which no regular living creature has ever known.
One of the most frustrating things when I'm in this state of being unable to comprehend that compliments mean good things is when people tell me to just take a compliment and calm down.
I don't think anyone who says that has really felt the bouts of self-doubt and depression that so famously are categorized as theatrics by people who don't quite understand what a chemical imbalance can do to one's motivation.
Maybe someday I'll properly sit and explain that.
-E
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